Repress My Memories
by PaopuThief
Summary: It’s been a year and Roxas has yet to let go. Will he be able to find solace in an unexpected new person in his life, or will he forever mourn?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: **First chapter of one of my favorite plot bunnies, my first official fan fiction post. Hopefully the next chapters will be longer but i won't promise anything.  
If you see any mistakes, please let me know. XD

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything... I didn't even come up with the title T-T

~enjoy~

ooOoOoOoo

_It had been exactly a year now, since the accident. At least that's what _they_ liked to call it. I never believed the bull shit they had told me, I knew the truth._

I was woken by cold lips on my bare back; almost as if someone were kissing me in the spot my neck meets my shoulder. I turned, brushing my hand across the cold empty half of my bed, knowing that no one would be there. I fought against the tears that filled my eyes as I quickly threw the blankets back, standing up. He had always woken me that way.

_I think I knew it would happen eventually, I think he had been preparing me for it._

I walked into the kitchen, my breath fogging in front of my mouth. I quickly made my way over to the thermostat. 62°, no wonder I was so cold. I turned the dial to 72 and the heater kicked in much to my relief. As I pulled open the fridge a shiver went down my spin as cold, invisible arms wrapped around my chest and a non existent breeze ruffled my hair. Shivering I wrapped my arms around myself, tears swelling in my eyes again. The first thing he used to do was hug me, inhaling the smell of my hair. He used to say he didn't want to forget the way I smelt, _just in case_. He never said what just in case might be.

_But that didn't stop the shock… or the denial. Maybe that's why it took so long for it to sink in; I thought it was some stupid prank he was pulling._

I finished getting breakfast, trying to clear my mind; I knew what was going on. It was the one year Anniversary.I got dressed in a zombie state, not caring how I looked, not that I had much chance of something not matching, there were only two colors in my closet: white and black. I brushed my teeth and ran a hand through my hair. I didn't have to work, I had requested the week off, but there was somewhere I needed to be.

_But somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew he was never coming back.  
__Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew he had been murdered._

Slowly, I walked through the gate, a single red rose in hand. The only sound was that of my feet on the dew wet grass as I maneuvered my way around headstones, looking for a specific one. I didn't need to look really, I knew where it was but it was harder to walk towards that beautiful marble slab today. It was harder then it's ever been. It's been one year, and for the first time I think I realize that I will never run my hands through his gorgeous long red hair, or feel the warmth of his lips on mine, or wake up to his face, or trace those stupid red tattoos with my fingers ever again.

I had never felt my heart hurt so badly, not since the first day, the day I heard about the accident. My heart was sitting on my tongue as I fought back the tornado of tears that wanted to burst forth; I bent onto my knees, reading his headstone

A smile brushed across my face as I read the words, we had talked about what we wanted our headstones to say just months before he was taken from me, he had wanted something that really said who he was, we had come up with the words together. I hadn't thought I would have to use them so soon. I laid the rose gently on the ground in front of the marble; tears finally falling as I curled in on myself, head in hands, sobs racking my body.

_I think when it first hit that they weren't lying was at the funeral  
__It was open casket_

It was about ten minutes later that I was finally able to stand; I knew I couldn't stay there much longer. If I tried I would probably loose my sanity. He was gone and there was nothing I could do to get him back, I realize that now and I wish I didn't. I had to remind myself to breath as my heart stuck in my throat; it would probably be a while before that feeling ever went away.

I was concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other, trying to get myself out of the cemetery as fast as I could when I ran into some one. Glancing up, I felt my heart freeze. I was blinded by red as my throat closed up, vision swimming in tears.

A man in black was standing in front of me; it could only be one person. I reached up towards his face, tracing his tattoos with my thumbs just as he reached his hand up, caressing my cheek with the back of his fingers. But… something was wrong; his tattoos weren't in the right place. We blinked together, as if coming back to our minds and jerked our hands away from each other. I held my cheek, it had been so long since someone had touched me in such an intimate way and I didn't know how to respond.

"Sorry," we said to each other in tandem, "I don't know what came over me; you just look so similar to him." He recoiled from me as if burned, turning away from the sight of me. I reached out my hand and grabbed his arm. He tensed, not moving.

"Wait," I choked out, a note of desperation in my voice, "just let me look at you a moment longer." His arm went slack as he turned back to me, eyes shining with unshed tears. I drank in the view, there were some differences, like the fact that his hair wasn't pulled back, and there was the tattoos that were directly under his eyes, they reminded me of tears. Still holding onto his arm I reached out a hand and brushed across the mark under his left eye. Tears slid out of his closed eyes and down his cheeks, I wiped them away.

"You look just like him," I whispered, the pain evident in my voice. He opened he green eyes and looked at me, sorrow written across his face.

"As do you." He said quietly reaching up his hand to stroke my cheek again.

"Who do I look like?" I asked, grabbing his hand and holding it against my face, not wanting the feeling of skin to leave mine. It had been a long time since someone had dared to touch me, and I hadn't realized how much I had missed it. He pulled his shaking hand away from my face, before grabbing my hand.

"I will show you," Was all he said before leading me down the path I had just come from.

_It was horrible; I don't know what had possessed them to let us see him in that state.  
__It almost looked like he had been beaten to death.  
__His perfect face was marred with shallow cuts and his lip was split. His usually pale skin was almost translucent, and when I touched him, he was cold._

We knelt side by side, our legs brushing together. We took comfort in the presence of each other. It seemed strange how easy it was to let him touch me when I didn't even know his name. We were in front of a marble slab almost identical to the one I had just been at. The eerie thing was that it was right next to _his_. I'd never bothered to notice who was keeping him company.

As I examined the intricate writing a frown creased my face. Aside from the name and the birth date it was exactly the same. It read: Friend, Brother, Lover, Protector, Taken before his time. Even the date of death was the same. I turned to the silent man beside me searching his face, for what I wasn't sure.

"What happened?" I asked, grabbing his hands and looking him in the eyes, "what took him from you?" His eyes glistened and he swallowed hard.

"I was told it was an accident." He said softly turning away, "but that doesn't matter anymore."

"You don't believe it do you?" I turned back to the stone, rereading the name. He glanced at me with wary eyes, shaking his head 'no'. He gently ran his thumb across the ridges of the name: Sora.

"It means sky." He murmured, "If you could have seen his eyes you would have understood the truth in his name." he glanced at me for a moment. "They were like yours." He pulled out a worn picture, showing it to me. He was in it with another man who I assumed was Sora, they looked so happy. God, Sora was beautiful and in a strange way he looked like we could have been twins. I pulled out my own picture, it was worn also. I handed it to him with his. He stared at it while I crawled over to the grave marker next to us, in front of which was a single red rose.

With slight hesitation he followed me, still looking at the picture.

"His name was Reno," I said quietly, "They told me it was an accident too and they had lied through their teeth as they did it." I pulled the soft petals from the rose, making a small pile in front of my knees. He handed the picture back to me, I met his eyes and he smiled slightly.

"I'm Axel," he said, holding out his hand

I grasped his hand, looking into his deep green eyes, "I'm Roxas."

_It wasn't even an hour after the funeral that I locked the last message he had ever sent me into my phone. Occasionally he had sent me a text telling me that he wouldn't be home that night.  
__I should have known something was wrong when he sent me a voice-mail instead._

ooOoOoOoo

**Moar author's note: **I'm hoping to perfect the next chapter and have it posted soon......  
Review please~!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter II**

We were sitting in a small, empty coffee shop. We weren't talking; we didn't even look at each other. I had my hands wrapped around a large iced green tea. Axel had opted out of caffeine and instead ordered a glass of water. I stared at his transparent plastic cup, he had yet to take a sip, and perspiration was beginning to bead on the exterior.

'Why don't you drink caffeine?' I asked, glancing up to see his green eyes. I flinched away from the familiar color as he finally lifted the water to his lips.

"Last time I had a highly caffeinated drink I set my sister's boyfriend's car on fire." He glanced to the side, clearing his throat. "Don't get me wrong-- he deserved it, but I don't want something like that to happen again." I nodded in understanding as I took a small mouthful of my tea, shivering at the way the cool taste started in my throat and filled my body.

"That's your seventh cup this hour, it really can't be good for you." Axel murmured, pointing at the cup that I was gripping like a life line. I grimaced at the liquid cupped between my hands.

"It's probably not," I replied, "but it has to be better than coffee, and it keeps me awake, that's all I ask." The nightmares had come back, but I wasn't about to tell him about those. I looked up to find he was staring at me.

_~the funeral was strange. People I had never even met came. Every single one approached me, touching my arm, grabbing my hand, or even brushing my cheek with their hand. That's when I started to hate physical contact. ~_

"How much did you know about your Reno?" He asked me, tilting his head slightly to the side as I finally met his eyes. Something at the bottom of my stomach clenched in pain and I had to look back own at my tea.

"Not much," I admitted, "but I always knew there was more to him. When we moved in together he told me that he had a lot of secrets. He asked me not to try and figure them out, said I was safer not knowing who he really was." I looked up again to see Axel was frowning at my hands. They were shaking, making little ripples in the top of my drink. I set the cup down and curled my hands under the table where he couldn't see them

"Sora had an alias," Axel said, his voice a low rumble as he looked at the empty spot that had recently been occupied by my hands, "a complete double life, I knew that it was total crap, and he didn't care that I wouldn't believe him. After the first few weeks of my suspicious stares and disbelieving silences he finally told me that I would just have to be happy with what I got. He said it was for my own safety should anyone start asking questions. No matter how much he didn't tell me I never cared, I was actually okay with it."

We lapsed into silence as I finished my drink; I was just about to order another when Axel signaled the waitress over.

"Can I get the check please?" he asked, throwing a worried glance in my direction. The waitress, Tifa, nodded before giving me the same look. It didn't surprise me; I was a regular during the times that I shouldn't keep the nightmares away. I had been known to leave only after they refused to serve me because I couldn't hold on to my cup due to my shaking. But usually, like now, it wasn't even the caffeine that made me tremble.

Once Axel had paid for our drinks, despite my offers of paying for my drinks, we made our way over to the door. I couldn't grasp the door handle long enough to open it. A cool pale hand reached from behind me, helping to open the door.

"Come on," Axel's voice spoke in my ear, "I'll walk you home." He placed his hand on my back, leading me out of the building as I flinched away from the contact. We didn't speak as we walked; the air around up seemed to buzz with the coming of a rainstorm, and I found it ironic that the sky was overcast for the first time in months. We were almost to my apartment when Axel stopped, grabbing my arm.

"Roxas, I know that we've only known each other for a few hours at best, but… God… I don't know, for some reason I feel that I need to protect you," Axel gently grasped my chin, making me look at him as I tried valiantly to avoid his eyes, "Roxas I'm worried about you."

I pulled my face out of his hands, looking away.

"I'm fine, there's nothing to worry about."

"No Roxas." Axel shook his head, "There is a lot to worry about. When Sora died I…." Axel sighed before continuing, "Jesus Roxas, how long were you and Reno together?"

I looked up, frowning, "Almost three years, why?"

"Sora and I had just celebrated our one year anniversary when he died. We were still in the phase where passion is hat held up together. When he died I felt like he had taken my soul with him--my desire to live just withered." I watched as pain filled Axel's eyes at the memory, "Roxas, when was the last time you looked in a mirror?"

"I…What…what do you mean?" I managed to stumble out, his question taking me by surprise.

"To be blunt Rox, you look like shit." A crease appeared between Axel's eyebrows, "you look like you haven't slept in weeks, your hair is a mess, and you can barley stand you are trembling so badly."

I didn't respond, realizing that it had been months since I'd actually _seen_ myself in a mirror. I felt my shoulders drop as my body attempted to shake itself apart.

"I'm so tired Axel, I just," I leaned against him, resting my head on his conveniently places collarbone, leaning into the warmth of another being for the first time in months, "I just don't know how much longer I can do this."

Axel wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on my head, the sky choosing that moment to open up on top of us. Thunder rumbled across the sky, nearly making me miss Axel's quiet, mournful mummer.

"I know."

_~After the funeral my entire world crumbled--my life just fell apart around my ears. I stopped hanging out with my friends, too tired to put up with the worried glances that they gave each other. They never stopped acting like I was going to break at any moment, and when they would meet my eyes I could see them thinking, "What do I do? What happens if he breaks now?" None of them wanted to clean up the pieces; Olette couldn't even look at me without nearly bursting into tears._

_In a way, their concern for me hurt worse than if they would have just pretended that nothing had happened. I began to retreat even further into myself, but it wasn't there fault and it couldn't be helped. I just had had so much invested in Reno; I had loved him far too much for my own good. In the beginning I wondered how I would ever live without him, I wondered if I would ever be able to move on. I knew one day I would have to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and keep going._

_I doubt any of us would have guessed that by path to recovery would begin with me sobbing into the chest of a man I had known for less than twenty-four hours.~_

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A/N:  
Hey guys (if anyone is reading this) sorry it took me like... a year to post this chapter  
and sorry it's so short...  
aaaand, sorry if things are misspelled i havn't had this read through by anyone other than me.

my life basically went to shit after i posted the first chapter and I've finally gotten things back into a semblance of normalcy, soooo hopefully i will have the next chapter sooner than i had this one.

anyway~ if you've read this far you should review, reviews warm the heart and make me want to write more :D


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